The Ways In Which I Have Already Failed My Child

He's (yes, he...we'll get to that later) only about three weeks old and already I've cobbled together a mental list of the things I've done which will no doubt cause him to be born with three noses and seven arms. You'd think seven arms might be, well, handy, but he doesn't have hands at the ends of those arms. He has feet. Maybe they're seven legs...

1. Cold medicine before I knew I was pregnant (BIK).
2. One hot toddy BIK.
3. A French macaroon yesterday, made, I'm sure, from unpasteurized egg whites which were not fully cooked.
4. One Super Bowl drink BIK. This kid is sure gonna love his bourbon.
5. Goat cheese at lunch.
6. Prescription meds which are not pregnancy-safe BIK.

At this point why don't I just take a page from the Mackenzie Phillips prenatal care playbook and shoot some heroin between my toes, then pass out on the toilet?